Every time I go to a local theater, I can never fucking hear any of the dialogue from the movie. Instead, I’m treated to a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type heckling but with funny jokes replaced by nimrods urgently screaming advice to the characters on screen, the ubiquitous “That’s What She Said” one liner and the sound of sixteen year olds talking on the phone about how Jenny blew Derrick behind the 7-11. Texters are on the same level as talkers. Thanks, since I am unable to listen to the movie, I may as well be distracted by the warm glow of your self entitlement. If you’re going to ruin the movie for me, Why don’t you just spit in my popcorn while you’re at it? Or come ruin my dvd collection by dubbing conversations about your friends and Rihanna ringtones over the audio tracks. Hell, I’ll pay you to come over to my place and switch the lights on and off while I’m watching a movie in my living room to truly recreate the theater experience. I swear, we should bring the pillory back. But until then, the Alama Drafthouse in Austin, TX has the best policy for dealing with inconsiderate moviegoers.
Mel is surprised to see a review of Edge Of Darkness without "Jew Hater" in the first sentence.
Edge of Darkness is a film born of paranoid times for paranoid people. But, unlike actions films of yore, the objects of terror are not Muslim jihadists or any other classic xenophobic Hollywood stereotype. No, the threats posed to the American people in Edge of Darkness are the slimy, ratfuck cocksuckers of the private sector and the government representatives in collusion with them. And in a society where just about any dumb chud can take a break from their daily routine of inhaling KFC Double Downs and Jersey Shore fist pumping sessions to sign onto Wikileaks to read classified government cables detailing war crime atrocities and secret documentation revealing corporate misconduct, Edge Of Darkness is the type of movie that may cause some viewers to temporarily forget that Mel Gibson is a miserable, anti-Semitic lunatic and shit a brick of steaming, self-righteous vindication. Read more…
Horlick, Alabama – Yesterday, the watchdog group “Clean Earth Now” made public the existence of a recently discovered videotape revealing past environmental negligence by the London based multinational oil company BP Plc in the small town of Horlick, Alabama. As the value of stock in BP Plc continues to plummet in the wake of the disastrous Gulf of Mexico oil leak, many industry insiders speculate that the tape’s shocking footage will be the final nail in the 101-year-old global energy company’s coffin. Reporters given early access to the videotape described sordid details such as, “catastrophic environmental damage that will have lasting consequences on the local ecosystem for the next 50-75 years, graphic scenes of human misery and despair, and clips of a tight yellow speedo bulging with male genitalia.” The assistant deputy of Mudflat County, Wilbur Rickshaw, stated, ‘this whole here problem here could have been avoided if those goddamn city kids would stop smokin’ the wacky tobacky and woul’ keep their ger’damn hormones in check for even a few seconds longer than it takes a pig to shit in a sty.” BP Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward was unavailable for comment.
I’m proposing that we go back and edit every film with elements that defy the laws of science. Let’s start by removing the sound from any scene in the Star Wars trilogy that is set in the vacuum of space, that part in The Exorcist where Linda Blair’s head does a 180 spin on her body, the scene in Spiderman when Peter Parker gains super powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider, and any shot in Touch of Evil where Orson Welles fits into a single frame.
Pete Hewit’s The Maiden Heist is a vehicle similar to Clint Eastwood’s Space Cowboys. It showcases veteran actors reveling in their old age, rather than shying away from it. Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken and William H. Macy star as security guards at an art museum. Each one of them has become enamored by pieces that they are assigned to protect. Sadly for them, the curator of the museum made a reciprocal deal with a gallery in Denmark to exchange their beloved artwork with Danish exhibitions. The three men then devise a plan to steal the artwork that involves crafting replicas to switch-out with the originals. Read more…
Traditionally, fantasy literature has been full of Christian tropes and themes. Classic works in the genre such as C.S. Lewis’ The Chronicles of Narnia and J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of The Rings are rife with Christian symbolism. From Aslan’s Christ-like self sacrifice in C.S. Lewis’ series to Tolkien’s depiction of an Elven afterlife, the theological implications are quite clear. In an interview conducted by Alona Wartofsky for The Washington Post, Philip Pullman, author of The Golden Compass (originally Northern Lights in the UK), laid out the Modus Operandi for his own literary work, “I’m trying to undermine the basis of Christian belief. Mr. Lewis would think I was doing the devil’s work.” In contrast to Tolkien and Lewis’ Christian underpinnings, Philip Pullman’s novel concerns itself with the danger of religious dominance over scientific development and free thought. But how do the heretical themes from the book translate to film? Read more…
Up is exactly the type of movie that viewers should expect from Pixar Studios by now. Beautiful CG animation, a whimsical story line that is directed at both adults and children, and humor that is chuckle-worthy but hardly ever belly laugh inducing. If you liked previous Pixar movies, you will undoubtedly enjoy Up. If you have grown tired of the trend pioneered by Toy Story and Shrek, Up will not be the movie that changes your mind. Read more…
